If you're like me, you're busy as hell and waited until the last minute to do your Christmas shopping.
Actually, let's be politically correct and call it holiday shopping because Donald Trump can really just eat shit with his nonexistent "War on Christmas." Does this offend you? Well, I figured I'd put my political views right at the top so that if we have to, we can part ways before either of us catch feelings.
Still with me? Excellent.
Anyway, Joe and I aren't really getting each other anything this year because we're saving for our wedding. I mean, we said we weren't getting each other anything . . . . Joe? Are you reading this? You better not get me anything! But if you do, I obviously have something up my sleeve, so whatevs.
The good news is that most of this stuff is available on Amazon Prime, so you should be all good to go, you little last-minute shopper, you. (And if you don't have Amazon Prime, I don't really know what to tell you about life in general).
Let's begin, shall we?
Shit for Him (or Her)
W&P Design Carry-On Cocktail Kit $24 from Amazon
Olivina Ginger Beer Soy Wax Candle $30 from Amazon
For people who like candles but would feel a little better about receiving one if it has the word 'beer' in it.
Plow & Hearth Match Holder + Long Matches $30 from Amazon
RokBlok Record Player $89 from RokBlok
This is the super dope little speaker box that spins on record players (as seen on Shark Tank).
Shit for Her (or Him)
Triple C Designs Portable Speaker $36 from Birchbox
TIGO+ Stainless Steel Water Bottle $16 from Amazon
Because really, who doesn't love BPA-free gear in millennial pink?
Shit for Mom & Dad (or Dad & Dad, Mom & Mom, Just Mom, or Just Dad)
Being politically correct is a lot of work! But it's necessary work, so toughen up.
Sagaform Wine Carafe with Oak Stopper $27 from Amazon
Secura Stainless Steel Electric Wine Opener $25 from Amazon
Quip Toothbrush $40 from Quip
It's the coolest toothbrush in town. No, really.
Shit for Your Health-Conscious Frenz
Body Love by Kelly Leveque $19 from Amazon
Magic Bullet Blender $32 from Amazon
Fitbit Alta HR $129 from Amazon
ClassPass Membership $49-79/month
For People with Cold Toes
Pendleton Crew Socks $15 from Amazon
For People who Can't Find Their Shit
XY Find It Bluetooth Item Finder $35 from Amazon
For People who Love The Hunger Games
The Thousandth Floor by Katharine McGee $8 from Amazon
For People who Love Tacos
California Home Goods Stainless Steel Taco Stands $26 from Amazon
For People who Can't Keep Their Hands Out of the Cookie Jar
Kitchen Safe: Time Locking Container $55 from Amazon
So what about wrapping? Fuck wrapping! (I mean, unless you really like wrapping presents, but if that's your thing, you probably had your holiday shopping done months ago.) Last year, I just ordered these pretty boxes from Amazon, which look very chic and require no wrapping:
Gift Boutique Holiday Nesting Boxes $16 from Amazon
Gifts Inc. Nesting Boxes $10 from Amazon
Feeling any better? Well, I hope so. And if not, why don't you get some shit for yourself too?
Well, I gotta go get ready for the Jay Z show we're heading to tonight. Stay grinchy, folks.